Awaken Your Strongest Self

BREAK FREE OF STRESS, INNER CONFLICT, AND SELF-SABOTAGE

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Contents

Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Five Signs That You Are Not Your Strongest Self ... Yet

All the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentallyunsolvable; they only fade when confronted with a new and stronger lifepassion.

—Carl G. Jung

During my twenty-five years as a psychologist and ten years as a life coach,I've discovered that if you want to reach your true potential, it's much moreeffective to ignite a new passion for life than to dwell on past problems. Webegin our process, however, by identifying five major problem areas and reactivepatterns so you can quickly replace them with the action steps, leadership, andqualities of your Strongest Self. Learning to recognize your old patterns assmall parts of a much larger self is the first essential step towardtransformative change.

The practice of observing your thoughts, feelings, and impulses awakens yourhigher brain to be conscious of lower brain automatic reactions and to exerciseits executive ability to choose how to act. By observing your thoughts,behavior, and moods, you gain some needed distance and time to choose actionsthat are congruent with your values and consistent with who you wish to become.This process also changes the structure of your brain, making it more flexibleand adaptable as you add more neural connections between your executiveorganizing functions and your ancestral brains.

The practice of meditation works in a similar way. You notice your thoughts andimpulses as they arise, and you become aware that a part of you is always calmlyobserving. As you shift your sense of self into the perspective of thatobserver, you are less likely to be pulled into distracting thoughts or reactiveimpulses. Distractions such as the familiar bells of the ice-cream truck outsideyour door automatically trigger your desire for ice cream, but you don't have tofollow your lower brain's urge to jump up, chase after the vendor, and buy someice cream. Instead, you can observe your thoughts and cravings, focus on yourbreathing, and choose to sit still. You can watch your thoughts andfeelings change and fade away.

Whenever you exercise your freedom of choice, you are doing more than justpassively observing. You are awakening and activating your uniquely humanability to override your initial, lower brain reactions in order to choose howto act.

Choosing to Face Your Fears

The ability to disidentify from your initial thoughts and reactions is whatmakes you truly human, and it only exists in your new, human brain—theprefrontal cortex whose rapid expansion has pushed the forehead into a verticalposition.

As you awaken more of your uniquely human skills, you'll be able tochoose to face fear rather than be controlled by it. Each time youchoose to face a fear, you're preventing your mammal brain from controlling yourbehavior and your life. All mammals have a fear of fire, but about two millionyears ago our early ancestor Homo erectus learned to overcome thatmammal instinct in order to harness fire for warmth and cooking. By facing afear you've been avoiding, you break free of lower brain phobias and win a fearinoculation shot that makes you more robust against future fears and challenges.Your fear inoculation shots will break the cycle of inertia, avoidance,and guilt while increasing your momentum and motivation.

Identifying Your Five Major Problem Areas

An understanding of the architecture of the human brain is useful in coping withmany of life's challenges and the five major problem areas. You can see inFigure 1.1 that the reptile brain (brain stem) is shaped like a carrotthat grows up from the top of the spinal column. The old mammal brain (limbicsystem)—found in ancient rodents and modern cats and dogs—surroundsthe reptile brain and adds to it the ability to learn and to relate within acommunity.

As you can see in Figure 1.2, most of the human brain is made of whatlooks like a piece of coral, which is about the size of a melon, that surroundsand lies atop the mammal and reptile brains. This expansion beyond the earlierbrains is called the neo-cortex, or primate brain. Because our human brain isbuilt upon—and retains many of the features of—the brains of ourancestors, the task of managing our thoughts and actions would be nearlyimpossible if it were not for our prefrontal cortex.

This uniquely human part of our brain, located in the front third of theneocortex, contains our essential executive organizing functions. It is thispart of our brain that gives us the capacity for language, organization,planning, self-regulation, and decision making. And it was the rapid growth ofthe prefrontal cortex over the last two hundred thousand years that has pushedour forehead to a near-vertical position, distinguishing it from the recedingforehead of apes and Neanderthals.

The five major problem areas that can be reduced or resolved by applying theStrongest Self program are:

1. stress and fear

2. inner conflict and procrastination

3. feeling overwhelmed and confused

4. self-criticism and self-blame

5. struggle and loneliness

Within just a few chapters, you'll be shifting your identity away from yoursymptoms and default reactions and into the perspective, roles, and voice ofyour Strongest Self. You'll learn to identify the specific words, worries, andphysical tensions that signal the use of limited and, usually, primitive methodsof coping with current life pressures and challenges. You'll minimize or removecompletely the blocks that have kept you from realizing your true potential forhappiness, success, and inner peace.

To begin step 1, use the following five problem areas to identify the symptomsthat describe your current behavior and negative internal dialogue. Identify andcheck off your symptoms without self-criticism but with an appreciation thatyou've taken the first step to freeing yourself of old, destructive patterns.

As you proceed through this program, you'll find it easier to detach from yourinitial reactions and take control of them if you locate their approximate pointof origin in your brain. A fear, fight-or-flight response, for example,originates in the oldest part of the brain—the reptile brain—thathas existed for more than five hundred million years. You don't want to arguewith a survival response that has obviously worked, but you do want to use yournew, executive brain to decide when the danger has passed and when what appearsto be a dangerous snake is actually a stick. While snakes were a big problemhundreds of millions of years ago, you might want to reset your old brain'sdefault reaction so that it's more sensitive to the dangers of cars, gangs, andelectricity.

Problem Area 1: Stress and Fear

Think about the feelings that arise when you are under time pressure on yourjob, concerned about bills and spending in your family, worried about yourhealth or medical procedures, or criticized by your partner or family.

Examples of Symptoms

• I frequently feel panicky and anxious, afraid that something awful willhappen.

• My ego and self-worth are always on the line (available to be judged byothers) at work, in leisure activities, and in my relationships.

• I try to cope with anxiety by relying on a variety of addictive habits orcrutches, such as overindulging in coffee, sweets, and alcohol, and becomingdependent in my relationships.

• I attempt to control others and events in the hope of avoiding disappointmentand threats to my self-worth.

• I often find it difficult to sleep because my mind races with worries andanxiety.

Negative self-talk: If there's a potential danger, do you say:

• What if something goes wrong? What if they don't like it?

• I couldn't stand it if I fail. If I suffer another loss, I'll feel miserableand worthless.

• I lack confidence and am afraid of what others think about my appearance, mywork, and me.

Possible Brain Regions Involved

• Reptile brain fight-or-flight response

• Mammal brain fear of being attacked, abandoned, and shamed by the pack, herd,or family for breaking taboos and rules

• Amygdala emotional response of like and dislike and recognition of fearful andangry faces

• Frontal lobe anticipation of future pain and criticism

You may be lacking the Strongest Self's qualities of safety and self-worth.

Problem Area 2: Inner Conflict and Procrastination

Think of a situation in which you've had difficulty coming to a decision orstarting or finishing an important project, and notice which of thesesymptoms—inner conflict or procrastination—apply.

Examples of Symptoms

• I work hard, but my fear of making a mistake and being criticized causes me toprocrastinate and be indecisive.

• I use threats and self-criticism to try to motivate myself, but that onlymakes things worse.

• I tell myself that I have to do it, but then I feel like I just don't want todo it, which causes inner conflict that stalls my progress and sabotages theachievement of my goals.

• I delay calling my family and friends or clients and customers because I feelguilty and ashamed about not following through on my earlier commitments tothem.

• I resent anyone in authority—a parent, teacher, or boss—and resistdoing any work I don't want to do.

Negative self-talk: When you typically try to motivate yourself, do yousay:

• I should, but I don't want to.

• I have to finish a very important project, must do it perfectly, and mustendure a life with no fun.

• I don't want to have to do this.

• I have no choice. I work best under pressure. I just want to get this overwith.

Possible Brain Regions Involved

• Mammal brain avoidance of areas associated with past pain

• Mammal brain hormonal reactions that trigger submission, surrender, andyielding as a survival mechanism against attack

• Right brain versus left brain inner conflict between personal wants and theneed to learn the rules of the family and society

You may be lacking the Strongest Self's quality of choice.

Problem Area 3: Feeling Overwhelmed and Confused

Think of those situations in which you were juggling several tasks or a largeproject that would take several weeks or months to complete.

Examples of Symptoms

• I try to do it all and don't know when to ask for help or to acknowledge thatthe workload and personal responsibilities are too much for me.

• I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to maximize my possibilities andthen try to control people and events in a desperate attempt to succeed.

• I have a smorgasbord approach to life, buying every new gadget and fad, with atendency to gobble lots of objects, food, and people rather than savoring a few.

• I find it difficult to stay focused on one project and am often late orrushing because there are so many things I feel I must accomplish in order tofeel good about myself.

• I repeatedly overschedule my day and feel trapped with too many tasks andobligations.

Negative self-talk: When you feel overwhelmed, do you say:

• I want to do it all, but there's too much to do. I don't know where to start.

• I'm running as fast as I can, but I just can't keep up with this workload, andI'm exhausted.

• I'm way behind; I have to catch up.

• What will they do if I can't do it all?

Possible Brain Regions Involved

• Frontal lobe anticipation of future work, challenges, and criticism—aswell as hippocampus/amygdala memory of past failures and trauma—thatevokes excess energy to try to cope in the two virtual realities of the past andfuture

• Mammal brain (limbic system) messages of overwhelming and conflicting emotions

You may be lacking the Strongest Self's quality of being centered in the presentmoment.

Problem Area 4: Self-Criticism and Self-Blame

Think of situations in which you're apt to be self-critical. Especially recallthose situations in which you had a lot at stake and wanted to do your best.

Examples of Symptoms

• I believe that a part of me is lazy and needs criticism, threats, and constantnagging in order to perform.

• I feel that whatever I do, it's never good enough, and I should've started thetask earlier.

• I seldom accept myself, and if I do it's only when my performance isexceptional.

• I believe that some part of me makes things difficult and sabotages mysuccess.

• I focus on what's wrong with me ("Why did I spill the milk?") rather than onwhat it takes to just do the job ("How can we clean it up? When do we start?").

Negative self-talk: When you're faced with a challenge or block, do yousay:

• There must be something wrong with me. Why do I always spill the milk?

• Why can't I do this? I should be stronger and try harder. I'll never succeedat this rate.

• How will I explain another failure? I've screwed up again.

Possible Brain Regions Involved

• Mammal brain hormonal reactions of submission, surrender, andyielding—as a survival mechanism against attack—that are experiencedas shame, low self-esteem, failure, depression, and decreased motivation (anunwillingness to try)

• Left brain internalizing of the rules, critical voice, and fears of parentsand teachers

You may be lacking the Strongest Self's qualities of acceptance and task-oriented focus.

Problem Area 5: Struggle and Loneliness

Think of when you kept trying to solve a problem, achieve a goal, or overcomewriter's block but couldn't make any progress by just working longer and harder.

Examples of Symptoms

• I'm desperately searching and striving for peace, joy, and fulfillment insomething or someone, but I can't seem to find it.

• I feel exhausted and burned out and then try to escape by watching TV,overeating, surfing the Internet, or talking on the phone.

• I work long hours, seldom relax, and then binge on junk food, alcohol,cigarettes, and distractions—but I seldom feel renewed or satisfied.

• I remind myself to be tough (I don't need anybody), but at times I long tosurrender to someone or something more powerful than myself.

• I feel I must do everything on my own; there's no one else to support me, noone I can trust to do it as well as me.

Negative self-talk: When you're trying harder and harder, strugglingalone to face a challenge, do you say:

• I have to try harder, but I'm tired of working so hard and getting nowhere.

• I've sacrificed and suffered, so I deserve to reward myself with a snack,sweets, alcohol, TV, or cigarettes.

Possible Brain Regions Involved

• Left temporal lobe functions creating a sense of a bounded ego, separated fromthe rest of the brain, from animal instincts, and from nature, mother, or God

• Left-brain linear functions allowed to dominate while right-brain intuitivefunctions are ignored

You may be lacking the Strongest Self's quality of connection.

Scoring and Identifying Your Self-Management Style

If you recognize yourself in all of the symptoms associated with one problemarea or more than fifteen of the twenty-five total symptoms, then you definitelyneed to read this book and use its exercises.

If you recognize yourself in fewer than three symptoms in one problem area orfewer than fifteen total symptoms, you still can learn skills that will makelife easier for you and help you maintain a stable sense of a self thatfunctions at the highest human levels.

If you don't identify with any of the twenty-five symptoms, I'd like to learnfrom you. Please contact me.

Notice how you talk to yourself when you're trying to motivate yourself. Is yourself-management style effective? If not, you could lessen your stress and becomemore effective in achieving your goals by learning the effective self-managerskills contained throughout this book. In Chapter 4 you'll learn tospeak in the voice of your Strongest Self. For now, while you're in step 1,simply work on identifying the words and feelings that are keeping you stuck inineffective patterns and empty, counterproductive habits.

(Continues...)
(Continues...)Excerpted from Awaken Your Strongest Self by NEIL FIORE. Copyright © 2007 by Neil Fiore. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
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